FREE IPHONE BACKGROUNDS! (BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU)
By popular demand, we've made a whole bunch of delectable Pause iphone and itouch backgrounds for you. Head on over to the media section and download as many as you'd like, absolutely free! Who says we never do anything for you?
Be the first on your block to collect them all!
-Eric Pause
I WANT TO MAKE MONSTERS
An old friend of mine, Mach Hillier*, has a dream. His a dream is that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men ar...er...wait, no. No. That's not it at all. Monsters. He wants to make monsters for movies. Geesh.
Anyway, here's the deal: Mach is an illustrator and designer who has recently completed his final course at the Ontario college of Art and Design, but, he's a sick bastard whose thirst for education can never be quenched. So, he plans to attend the Vancouver Film School's Makeup for Film and Television program next year. Piece o' cake, right? Wrong. Here's the heart wrencher: Mach is lazy, and refuses to make money on the side by dealing ivory, whoring himself out, or kidnapping a hotel heiress. Instead, he's trying to pay the $30,000 (!) tuition by doing custom illustrations for people at $30 a pop. The Pause logo eyeball that you see in the display picture is what he did for us. Not too shabby! Mach has a fantastic imagination when it comes to character design, and seeing his creations come to life is going to be incredible.
If you're interested in getting an illustration done by him, check out his website at
iwanttomakemonsters.com.
(*His name is "Mac", not "Mach". I accidentally pushed the h button on my keyboard after writing Mac, and decided to leave it, because Mach is a much cooler name.)
-Eric Pause
HOW ANDREW PAUSE CHANGED MY LIFE
Have you ever felt trapped in the same routine? Day in, day out, same things happening? Wake up at noon, throw full wine bottles at the beautiful women groupies until they leave, eat a bald eagle for breakfast (raw), do some wheelies...in a jet, travel back in time and sucker punch a t-rex, etc. Everyday like clockwork. Not a second late. Not a second early. Over and over again.
I used to feel like that. My life lacked beauty, meaning and insight. I thought I was destined to live with that unfulfilled feeling my entire life. That is until a friend suggested I add Andrew Pause to MSN. Seeing as how I've been Andrew's business partner for the last 3 years, I figured "Hey, why not?". Let me tell you, I was utterly flabbergasted at the beautifully thought out messages I received from Andrew. His words are evocative, crisp, and swift in their impact as he weaves impressions and insights through them. Andrew's MSN messages have real merit, a depth of insight and reflection that illuminates memory and the human condition. Don't believe me? Here's a sample of today's messages:
Annnddrreeww said (7:53 AM):
totes bored at work
Annnddrreeww said (8:34 AM):
update: biggest don't just walked in here. capri pants, turquoise crocs and small hoop earrings on a 40 year old man.
Annnddrreeww said (10:16 AM):
oh and ps about last nights licence plate. it was also sporting a neon light plate cover border thing. sign me up.
Annnddrreeww said (12:49 AM):
just took a crazy pic of 2 birds fighting to the death, i was right there taking pics and they didn't give a FUCK, its crazy out here man CRAZY
Annnddrreeww said (2:06 PM):
if you actually take the time to figure out the strategy, minesweeper is a sweet game. highly recommened, would play again and its a great way to stay in shape. ITS SO DEAD HERE
Annnddrreeww said (3:23 PM):
PIGS FEET
What did I tell you? Andrew leaves us hanging, ready for the next adventure, the next view from the peaks, but always with the knowledge that the past is with us.
Thanks to Andrew I now see the world in a new beautiful way. My life is never feels like a routine, I am never bored, and I even ENJOY throwing those wine bottles at the groupies now.
Thanks Andrew. I am forever in your debt.
-Eric Pause
THE PAUSE DESIGNS COMPLETE GUIDE TO SCOTLAND
Over the past month or so, I've been in Europe with my future wife*, exploring a handful of different cities and countries. Prior to this trip I knew next to nothing about these places, but seeing as how I spent a solid week (or sometimes less) in each of them, I feel as though I know just about everything there is to know about them. Therefore, I've decided to pass this precious knowledge onto you. You lucky duck, you.ScotlandIf you're (naïve) like me, in your mind, Scotland is a magical land of shitty weather and sheep on hills, where the haggis flows like water, and extremely ugly perpetually drunk men in skirts toss around telephone polls to pass the time when they're not out shanking people. While all of those things are in fact true, I have something that may shock you: There is more to Scotland. MUCH more.
FOOD: Okay, mushy peas, pasties, sticky toffee pudding, neeps and tatties are all strange foods eaten there, but who cares, right? Haggis is what you really want to hear about, and I shall not disappoint. For those of you that don't know, Haggis is made by taking a sheep (probably a cute one, at that) slicing it open, ripping out its stomach, stuffing its lungs, heart and liver into said stomach, adding oatmeal and an onion or two, sewing it all up into a mouth watering sack, and letting it simmer in a pot for an hour. The whole thing looks and smells exactly how you think it would; Like hell. (Kind of like if someone took a sheep's stomach and stuffed it with lungs, heart and liver...) Are you drooling on your keyboard yet? I know I am!
Scots can't get enough of it. It's their national dish! They sprinkle it on their ice cream, put it in their coffee, and have everything from haggis flavoured energy drinks, to caramel dipped haggis bites. So, obviously wanting to fully experience Scotland, I purchased one of these tasty treats and cooked it to perfection. I'm no stranger to bizarre foods, but I'll have to be honest, the thought of lungs jammed inside a stomach wasn't exactly making my stomach juices flow. Nevertheless, as soon as that badboy was on my plate, I nervously poked a little hole in it with my knife, only to have it start oozing out the top like a lazy volcano. Nice. At this point I would have much rather a cat turd be on the plate in front of me, but I wasn't going out like that. Like Jesus died for your sins, I was going to eat a haggis for your reading pleasure. I took a deep breath, cut the rest of it open, scooped a big mushy forkful, and shoved that bitch in my mouth...
I have no idea how this works. It defies the very logic of food, but It was good. In fact, it was delicious. It had the consistency of lumpy mashed potatoes, and tasted like over seasoned ground beef, and as long as I didn't look directly at it, it slid down my throat as easily as a slutty oyster. I ended up eating the whole thing to myself. Touché, Scotland. (But the energy drink still tastes like highland cow piss.)
FASHION: I'm not going to sugar coat this. Being the hard-hitting journalists we are here at Pause, we tell it how it is. We spit the truth, no matter how much it hurts, and we don't care who's toes we step on in the process. If we're too "street" for you, too bad. Deal with it. We're (probably) too street to care. So here goes. I'm going to just put it out there: Scotland isn't exactly filled with the most attractive people on Earth. (That's right, you read that.) In fact, circus ugly sums it up quite nicely. That's not to say there aren't 10s in Scotland, (If you're reading this and you're Scottish, I'm SURE you're one of the 10s I'm talking about...) but they're a lot less common than...I don't know...anywhere else in the western or eastern hemispheres. I'm not overly shallow, really. I'll still look someone in the eye as long as they're an 8 or above, but finding a ten in Scotland is like finding a carnie with all their teeth, it just doesn't happen.
BUT! Let me tell you this. What the Scottish lack in physical attractiveness, they make up for (tenfold) by being incredibly fashionably aware. I shit you not. The amount of thought and effort that goes into every outfit is astonishing. I felt embarrassingly under dressed almost everywhere I went. Their style is not kilts, football jerseys, sweatpants and over sized ecko hoodies (*coughcoughbuffalocoughcough*) like you might think, but rather it's this mash of indie-english-royalty-heroin-chic-bob-dylan-circa-1974-thrift-store-but-clean-magic-gift-from-god. It's like they've never even heard of hip-hop! In fact, if you lack style in Scotland, not only will you not get laid, but people will actually flip you off on the street. Why did you think shanking is so popular there?
FUN FACTS!-Scotland is the only country in the world where Coca-Cola is not the highest selling soft drink. "IRN BRU" is. It's florescent orange and tastes like bubble gum.
- The Loch Ness monster is really just an overweight seal.
- The subway cars are so small you can't stand up in them.
- Rabbie Burns was not an actual rabbi.
- Everyone lives in a castle and rides a sheep to work.
- Bagpipe Hero is Scotland's most popular video game. It has 2 playable songs.
- Soccer = Football. Football = Handegg
- Sean Connery is really just an overweight seal.
Hopefully this guide has helped you to know exactly what to expect when visiting Scotland. Be prepared to get shanked, eat lungs, get out-dressed, and be constantly surrounded gingers, and you'll do just fine.
-Eric Pause*(Not to be confused with a robot wife of the future. Although that would be awesome.)
SEND US YOUR PICS!
Yo, like, seriously. We're making a customer (that's where you come in) gallery, with rad photos of all you guys rocking pause tees!
E-mail (contact@pausedesigns.com) us your photo and we'll put that shit up ON THE INTERNET. Whoaaaaa.
P.S. We will accept nothing less than the level of quality portrayed in the above photo.
-Andrew Pause
WE GON PARDAY LY IT'S YO BIRTDAY
Here's to the country that was abandoned by Pamela Anderson, Bret Hart, Leonard Cohen, Meg Tilly, Shalom Harlow, Jim Carrey, Doug Henning, Jack Black, Tom Cruise, Keanu Reeves, Neil Young, Linda Evangelista, Todd McFarlane, and the guy who did Ren & Stimpy.
(We didn't want you anyway.)
Happy 142nd Canada! You don't look a day over 100.
-Eric Pause
