Over the past month or so, I've been in Europe with my future wife*, exploring a handful of different cities and countries. Prior to this trip I knew next to nothing about these places, but seeing as how I spent a solid week (or sometimes less) in each of them, I feel as though I know just about everything there is to know about them. Therefore, I've decided to pass this precious knowledge onto you. You lucky duck, you.
Scotland
If you're (naïve) like me, in your mind, Scotland is a magical land of shitty weather and sheep on hills, where the haggis flows like water, and extremely ugly perpetually drunk men in skirts toss around telephone polls to pass the time when they're not out shanking people. While all of those things are in fact true, I have something that may shock you: There is more to Scotland. MUCH more.
FOOD: Okay, mushy peas, pasties, sticky toffee pudding, neeps and tatties are all strange foods eaten there, but who cares, right? Haggis is what you really want to hear about, and I shall not disappoint. For those of you that don't know, Haggis is made by taking a sheep (probably a cute one, at that) slicing it open, ripping out its stomach, stuffing its lungs, heart and liver into said stomach, adding oatmeal and an onion or two, sewing it all up into a mouth watering sack, and letting it simmer in a pot for an hour. The whole thing looks and smells exactly how you think it would; Like hell. (Kind of like if someone took a sheep's stomach and stuffed it with lungs, heart and liver...) Are you drooling on your keyboard yet? I know I am!
Scots can't get enough of it. It's their national dish! They sprinkle it on their ice cream, put it in their coffee, and have everything from haggis flavoured energy drinks, to caramel dipped haggis bites. So, obviously wanting to fully experience Scotland, I purchased one of these tasty treats and cooked it to perfection. I'm no stranger to bizarre foods, but I'll have to be honest, the thought of lungs jammed inside a stomach wasn't exactly making my stomach juices flow. Nevertheless, as soon as that badboy was on my plate, I nervously poked a little hole in it with my knife, only to have it start oozing out the top like a lazy volcano. Nice. At this point I would have much rather a cat turd be on the plate in front of me, but I wasn't going out like that. Like Jesus died for your sins, I was going to eat a haggis for your reading pleasure. I took a deep breath, cut the rest of it open, scooped a big mushy forkful, and shoved that bitch in my mouth...
I have no idea how this works. It defies the very logic of food, but It was good. In fact, it was delicious. It had the consistency of lumpy mashed potatoes, and tasted like over seasoned ground beef, and as long as I didn't look directly at it, it slid down my throat as easily as a slutty oyster. I ended up eating the whole thing to myself. Touché, Scotland. (But the energy drink still tastes like highland cow piss.)
FASHION: I'm not going to sugar coat this. Being the hard-hitting journalists we are here at Pause, we tell it how it is. We spit the truth, no matter how much it hurts, and we don't care who's toes we step on in the process. If we're too "street" for you, too bad. Deal with it. We're (probably) too street to care. So here goes. I'm going to just put it out there: Scotland isn't exactly filled with the most attractive people on Earth. (That's right, you read that.) In fact, circus ugly sums it up quite nicely. That's not to say there aren't 10s in Scotland, (If you're reading this and you're Scottish, I'm SURE you're one of the 10s I'm talking about...) but they're a lot less common than...I don't know...anywhere else in the western or eastern hemispheres. I'm not overly shallow, really. I'll still look someone in the eye as long as they're an 8 or above, but finding a ten in Scotland is like finding a carnie with all their teeth, it just doesn't happen.
BUT! Let me tell you this. What the Scottish lack in physical attractiveness, they make up for (tenfold) by being incredibly fashionably aware. I shit you not. The amount of thought and effort that goes into every outfit is astonishing. I felt embarrassingly under dressed almost everywhere I went. Their style is not kilts, football jerseys, sweatpants and over sized ecko hoodies (*coughcoughbuffalocoughcough*) like you might think, but rather it's this mash of indie-english-royalty-heroin-chic-bob-dylan-circa-1974-thrift-store-but-clean-magic-gift-from-god. It's like they've never even heard of hip-hop! In fact, if you lack style in Scotland, not only will you not get laid, but people will actually flip you off on the street. Why did you think shanking is so popular there?
FUN FACTS!
-Scotland is the only country in the world where Coca-Cola is not the highest selling soft drink. "IRN BRU" is. It's florescent orange and tastes like bubble gum.
- The Loch Ness monster is really just an overweight seal.
- The subway cars are so small you can't stand up in them.
- Rabbie Burns was not an actual rabbi.
- Everyone lives in a castle and rides a sheep to work.
- Bagpipe Hero is Scotland's most popular video game. It has 2 playable songs.
- Soccer = Football. Football = Handegg
- Sean Connery is really just an overweight seal.
Hopefully this guide has helped you to know exactly what to expect when visiting Scotland. Be prepared to get shanked, eat lungs, get out-dressed, and be constantly surrounded gingers, and you'll do just fine.
-Eric Pause
*(Not to be confused with a robot wife of the future. Although that would be awesome.) ¶ 5:47 PM
