EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX
Alright, I need your attention here. I'm about to give you some serious information, and I need you to really listen to me. If you want to attract people from the opposite sex, the best possible way to do so, without any chance of failure, is to make a t-shirt with a crown sporting sofa saying "Rad" on it. I'll say it again. Make. A. T-shirt. With. A. Crown. Sporting. Sofa. Saying. "Rad". Sounds silly right? Maybe so. I can't explain why, but you're just going to have to trust me on this. Ever since Ken, Andrew and I designed the "Sofa King Rad" tee in our collection, we've been irresistible to the opposite sex. Almost to the point where it's dangerous to others around us. In fact, by wearing this tee, we're more powerful than a punk singer with poor hygiene and a stupid haircut.
Take Sunday's S.C.E.N.E. Music Festival for example: The entire day, our booth was PACKED with attractive people. Have you ever signed your name on underage girls' pants before? (Wait wait, at their request I mean.) Do strangers often ask you for pictures with them? Or are teen mothers constantly throwing their babies at you, upon first sight, BEGGING you to be their father? No? Were you wearing the Sofa King Rad tee?...I rest my case.
I have no idea how the mystic powers behind this t-shirt work, but I can say, without a doubt, that it is not of this world, and it is not something to be trifled with. If it were ever to fall into the wrong hands...the results would be catastrophic. I'll still sell you the shirt, sure, but may God have mercy on my soul.
"Uhh...Eric, I hate to interrupt, but isn't Andrew a ten anyway? Couldn't THAT be why you guys are constantly surrounded by babes? I mean, it would make a lot more sense than stating that a purple t-shirt with a big pink couch on the front somehow has magic powers that makes anyone melt."
I haven't felt this upset since the day Ken skipped the buffet to cruise the town in his Intrepid listening to Alan Jackson talking about what kind of rainbow windbreaker he'd buy if he had money.
In memory of Billy Mays, an Alan Jackson style tribute prayer:
Well if I ha' money I'll tell yuh' what 'uh dew Drove downtown got a Mighty Putty or two Crazy 'bout a Mighty Putty YAH I'M CRAZY 'BOUT A MIGHTY PUTTY I'm gonna buy me a Mighty Putty and cruise it up and dayown the road.
I will spare you the grizzly details as to whose tongue went into whose asshole in order to make this happen, but Pause is yet again going to be at SCENE Music Festival. Having debased our marketing technique well below the ethical business practices of even the most shifty East German prostitute, we're bringing candy. So even if you hate every genre of music in existence and aren't into sweet shirts that will get you so laid your junk will be in serious jeopardy of setting on fire, you should probably show up to SCENE anyway and check out our booth... because everyone likes candy. Incidentally, the first visitors to our booth that shout "PAUSE DESIGNS GETS ME THE FUCK OFF!" at the top of their lungs gets free bubble tape. If you are loud enough to disrupt the band playing on the main stage, we'll make it a Toblerone.
Pause has been putting out some pretty god damn good booth set ups in its day. And i've seen QUITE a few solid setups in my own....but like...shit. There was a fucking cake... fucking crazy...
Now all the sex and drugs have finally paid off! Pause has offically won it's first (of many) best booth awards! Thank you Toronto Clothing Show for absolving us of booth fees for the next show. You won't regret it. ;)
Look, I'm sorry you had to hear it like this. Hearing about how we "Struggled with finding clothing that suited our style and budget" in the Niagara This Week newspaper is not how I wanted you to find out. It's not that I didn't WANT to tell you, it's just that it's a part of our dark past that we've spent countless hours and dollars trying to forget.
Yes, it is true. All throughout high school, Ken, Andrew and I "struggled with finding clothing that suited our style and budget". We were relentless with searching for clothing that would suit our style. Other kids had it easy. There were dozens of shops in our area that carried products that would suit their style. But for us, Tommy Hilfiger and American Eagle would never do, and we would've rather had sex with a campfire than wear anything from the Gap. While all the other kids were out getting dates, having fun, breaking windows, and not thinking twice about their clothes, we were up in our rooms constantly scouring Ebay for apparel that would satisfy us. Tearful sleepless night after tearful sleepless night, we'd come back empty carted. Sure we got lucky a couple times, and found some pieces of clothing that were acceptable for us to wear, but how were we supposed to stretch them for an entire school year? We couldn't wear them every day. We weren't drama kids for God's sake...And people would notice if we just swapped clothes between us. No, most of the time, being completely out of any other options, we were forced to attend classes in the nude. Now, I don't know if you've ever been to Ontario in January, but it's not exactly the warmest place in the world. Combine that with trying to fry bacon for your quiche in 10th grade home ec without a shirt on, exposing all your cuts and bruises from the ebay sesh the night before, while the pretty preppy girls just stare in horror. Not a pretty picture.
I really can't be blamed for wanting to keep this a secret, but there it is. If you want to hear the rest of the story, you can do so HERE.
pre-script. NEW SHIT AVAILABLE IN THE ONLINE STORE!!!@!#$!@#%
As a special few of you know, Eric is away on holiday and has left Ken and I in charge. Eric is usually the man behind this blog and he does a damn good job writing it, and it's a clear insult that neither Ken or I have kept up in entertaining you oafs. BTW all of our blog contributors, who get paid absolutely nothing to help us fill this space, have overdosed on heroin.
I don't write many blogs, yet I am an avid reader. I check up on Gavin, Derrik and the gang over at Streetcarnage.com often. I am a huge fan, like please sign my tits fan. Same goes for Lesley Arfin who also writes for Streetcarnage.com. A mammary signature would be much appreciated from her as well.
For those of you who don't know. Eric is on a little European expedition. He first stopped in Glasgow; defaced a banksy piece with our logo, hung out with lots of ugly people, sent us back photos of absurdly flavored candies, ate lunch in a cloud and checked out the underground club scene (which is apparently built for small children) complete with ball rooms and those bouncy castles.
Eric is now in Spain sending strange messages to me, with upside down characters and strange looking apostrophes. I hope he's ok.
