Alright, I need your attention here. I'm about to give you some serious information, and I need you to really listen to me. If you want to attract people from the opposite sex, the best possible way to do so, without any chance of failure, is to make a t-shirt with a crown sporting sofa saying "Rad" on it. I'll say it again. Make. A. T-shirt. With. A. Crown. Sporting. Sofa. Saying. "Rad". Sounds silly right? Maybe so. I can't explain why, but you're just going to have to trust me on this. Ever since Ken, Andrew and I designed the "Sofa King Rad" tee in our collection, we've been irresistible to the opposite sex. Almost to the point where it's dangerous to others around us. In fact, by wearing this tee, we're more powerful than a punk singer with poor hygiene and a stupid haircut.
Take Sunday's S.C.E.N.E. Music Festival for example: The entire day, our booth was PACKED with attractive people. Have you ever signed your name on underage girls' pants before? (Wait wait, at their request I mean.) Do strangers often ask you for pictures with them? Or are teen mothers constantly throwing their babies at you, upon first sight, BEGGING you to be their father? No? Were you wearing the Sofa King Rad tee?...I rest my case.
I have no idea how the mystic powers behind this t-shirt work, but I can say, without a doubt, that it is not of this world, and it is not something to be trifled with. If it were ever to fall into the wrong hands...the results would be catastrophic. I'll still sell you the shirt, sure, but may God have mercy on my soul.
"Uhh...Eric, I hate to interrupt, but isn't Andrew a ten anyway? Couldn't THAT be why you guys are constantly surrounded by babes? I mean, it would make a lot more sense than stating that a purple t-shirt with a big pink couch on the front somehow has magic powers that makes anyone melt."
No. That's ridiculous. Get the t-shirt.
-Eric Pause ¶ 6:40 PM
