NEW PRODUCTS!
...are now available in the online store! Some with limited runs as low as 25!
Who's better than Pause Designs?
NOOOOOBOOOOOOOODY!
-Eric Pause
MIRACLE FRUIT
Hey kids! Are you sick of letting your stupid tongue tell you what's delicious and what isn't? Are you tired of selling all your possessions, and not being able to afford rent because of all the money you've been spending on methamphetamine, hoping that each high will be like the first high, but failing miserably short every time only to have the drug simply bring you back to "Normal"? ...Or are you just bored?
Well, break up with your tongue, flush your meth stash down the toilet, and get ready for a healthy dose of awesomeness.
Introducing Miracle Fruit. (AKA Miracle berry, Magic Berry, Flavor Berry, Taste Berry, or Best Thing Ever.) These badboys contain an active glycoprotein molecule, with some trailing carbohydrate chains, called miraculin. When the fleshy part of the fruit is eaten, this molecule binds to the tongue's taste buds, causing bitter and sour foods to taste like heaven. It's like getting punched in the eyes by happiness and love, except by "eyes" I mean "mouth," by "punched" I mean "you will enjoy the effect it has on sour foods," and by "Happiness and love" I mean "These things work incredibly well."
Green apples, strawberries, lemons, limes, grapefruits, kiwis, kumquats, etc. All taste amazingly sweet after eating Miracle Fruit. (Try green apples dipped in sour cream. You're welcome.) "Okay Eric! I'm sold! Where can I get my hands on some of these?!" Well my friend, there's a slight problem. You won't be able to march into your local grocery store and pick up a bunch since they were banned by the FDA in the 70's. But before you throw your computer monitor out the window, listen up. They can be obtained in tablet form through miraclefruitworld.com. But you didn't hear it from me.
(Okay, you did. But play it cool, alright?)
-Eric Pause
KEN'S FUCKING SHOES
Eric (Out of breath. In a panic.): "Ken! I just found the worst looking shoes I've even seen in my entire life! You HAVE to buy them!"
Ken: "What the hell?"
Eric: "I'm serious! They're so far beyond bad that they've gone full circle and now they're awesome! I'll show you, come on!"
*Run to shoe shop, find shoes*Ken upon seeing the shoes (Gagging): "Oh no. No. No. No. There is no God."
Eric: "I know! Aren't they perfect in every way?! Think of the chicks you'll pick up with these gracing your feet!"
Ken: "I'd rather have sex with a campfire than ever wear those shoes."
Eric to broken English Japanese store clerk: "Good sir! How much for this masterpiece of footwear?"
Store clerk: "I give you half price. $70"
Eric: "Holy shit! That's a steal! He'll take them!"
Ken: "What? No! I don't want those ungodly shoes. I don't have $70 on me either."
Store clerk to Ken: "How much money do you have?"
Ken: "Uh...$20? And some change in my pocket. But I don't want the shoes."
Eric (whispering): "Ken, distract the clerk. I'm going to steal myself a pair too.."
Store Clerk: "Okay, you give me that."
Ken: "Oh...uh..What?..okay.."
Store Clerk: "What size?"
Ken: "11. But. I. do. Not. Want. To. Buy. These. Shoes."
*Ken dumps massive pile of pocket change into clerks hands. Receives shoes. We leave.*Eric: "Haha! Are you insane? Look at those things!"
Ken (Scared and confused): "What the hell just happened?!"
Eric (Shouting): "HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT THE SHOES THIS ASSHOLE JUST BOUGHT!"
Ken: "I hate you so, so much."
-Eric Pause
BETHFEST
Tonight is Bethfest! An awareness-raising Fundraiser for our good friend Beth Hopkins, who is living and coping with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a debilitating Connective Tissue Disorder. It's going down at The Anchorage (186 Ricardo st. Niagara-On-The-Lake) at 9pm. With the Niagara Rythm Section kicking out live music all night, as well as a silent auction chock full of great stuff. *coughcoughpausecoughstuffcough* Pardon me.
Even if you don't know Beth, you still better be there. She's fucking rad, and you'll love her. I promise.
I'll see you there!
-Eric Pause
WUZZAT?!
New products available this week. Lock up your daughters.
-Eric Pause
VOTE OR BE MY EX-BFF
Hey America,
Either you go out and vote for Barack today, or we're not friends anymore. I'll forget all the mean things you've done these past couple years if you just do this one thing for me. I mean it. I'm really not joking around here. I'd do it myself, but get a load of this absolutely insane rule I just recently found out after crossing the border this morning to cast my vote: Apparently, not being an American is reason enough for them to stop me from voting. I know! Absolutely ridiculous. Lousy fat cats.
Now go do your part, or lose me forever.
-Eric Pause
