Hey kids! Are you sick of letting your stupid tongue tell you what's delicious and what isn't? Are you tired of selling all your possessions, and not being able to afford rent because of all the money you've been spending on methamphetamine, hoping that each high will be like the first high, but failing miserably short every time only to have the drug simply bring you back to "Normal"? ...Or are you just bored?
Well, break up with your tongue, flush your meth stash down the toilet, and get ready for a healthy dose of awesomeness.
Introducing Miracle Fruit. (AKA Miracle berry, Magic Berry, Flavor Berry, Taste Berry, or Best Thing Ever.) These badboys contain an active glycoprotein molecule, with some trailing carbohydrate chains, called miraculin. When the fleshy part of the fruit is eaten, this molecule binds to the tongue's taste buds, causing bitter and sour foods to taste like heaven. It's like getting punched in the eyes by happiness and love, except by "eyes" I mean "mouth," by "punched" I mean "you will enjoy the effect it has on sour foods," and by "Happiness and love" I mean "These things work incredibly well."
Green apples, strawberries, lemons, limes, grapefruits, kiwis, kumquats, etc. All taste amazingly sweet after eating Miracle Fruit. (Try green apples dipped in sour cream. You're welcome.) "Okay Eric! I'm sold! Where can I get my hands on some of these?!" Well my friend, there's a slight problem. You won't be able to march into your local grocery store and pick up a bunch since they were banned by the FDA in the 70's. But before you throw your computer monitor out the window, listen up. They can be obtained in tablet form through miraclefruitworld.com. But you didn't hear it from me.
(Okay, you did. But play it cool, alright?)
-Eric Pause ¶ 12:50 PM
