Candy is amazing. I should know. I eat an ungodly amount of it on a daily basis. I've traveled the world in search of new and delicious treats. I guess you could say I'm somewhat of a connoisseur of candy, and because of this, I'm passing on my vast knowledge to you...You're very welcome.
Astronaut Ice Cream
I don't know where NASA gets off calling this ice cream. It's room temperature chalky vanilla powder. They can strap people into giant silos of explosive fuel and blast them off to other planets, but they can't make ice cream? Shit, I could (probably) make ice cream. There's a way you can make it by putting all the ingredients into a coffee can, and just kicking it around, right? I could do that. I could kick that can like a pro. Also, why isn't NASA's ice cream cold? It's chilly in space. Why not just bring regular ice cream along and just leave it outside?
Honorable mentions: Aero, Abba Zabba, Astro Pop
Bridge Mixture
I wish I could explain what these are, but this is a very mysterious candy. The box claims it's "A delicious assortment of coated confectionery". So, it's something covered in something. Which I guess is true, besides the delicious part. It's like a snow fake in the sense that I'm quite certain I've never got the same filling twice. You you might get a fruity-tasting marshmallow thing, or maybe a raisin-like thing. Which isn't so bad, but when you the one filled with toothpaste, or uncooked rice. It's a different story.
Honorable mentions: Bottle Caps, Blow your lunch (RIP), Big league Chew, Boston Baked Beans, Baby Ruth
Crunchie Bar
Alright, what's going on here? These bars have been around my entire life, but I've never, EVER seen anyone buy one. Do people really eat these? Or has the same Crunchie bars been on the shelf for 20+ years now? I seriously want to know.
Honorable mentions: Cracker Jack, candy corn, Cotton Candy, Candy Cigarettes
Double decker
Okay, here we go. This is it. This is the only chocolate bar that has ever mattered. Ever. It's the sultan of swing, the great Bambino, and the king of the Delta blues all in one. You can only get this badboy in the UK, but holy mother of GOD is it worth the plane ticket and shitty weather. First, they take a chocolate bar filled with nougatine, black magic, and wafer, then they take another chocolate bar filled with Captain Crunch and bacon bits, and slam it ON TOP. Then, the entire thing is smothered, no!, ENROBED in milk chocolate, gold dust, and unicorn tears. It's like eating the two best chocolate bars in the world, at the same time. Check. Mate.
Honorable mentions: Donuts, Doritos, Dubble Bubble
Eat-More
If you're a little sick of the chocolate bar circuit and you need a change, this might be your bar. This bar is so different from other candy bars, it's practically punk-rock to eat it. The ingredients are simple - chewy goo covered peanuts. Is it good? No, not really. But folding the package so it reads "EAT ME" is pretty great. So what the hell. It makes the list.
Honorable mentions: Everlasting Gobstopper, Double Decker (I don't care. It's that good.)
Fritos
"I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had little grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. 'Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine.'"
Honorable mentions: Fizz, Fun dip
Gold Mine Gum
How cool were these? They came in a little burlap sack, and the gum looked just like gold nuggets. You could hide them around your room, pretending to be a dirty prospector, then use the sack as a cool change purse for your allowance. Awesome! The gum was almost too hard to chew, and the fruity flavour always threw me off, but a candy that LOOKS this good doesn't need to taste good. That's a rule.
Honorable Mentions: Garbage pail kids
Hockey Puck Gum
I don't play hockey, but I'm pretty certain hockey players chew this gum to help them play harder. It's like a combination of Gatorade and Steroids, except that they're available from vending machines for 25 cents, and are perfectly legal. They're sort of shaped like hockey pucks and they have strange hockey words printed on them, like Zamboni, Vancouver, and Enter Ice (I think a C might be missing.)
Honorable mentions: Hot Tamales, Hubba Bubba
Irn Bru (RIP)
When Scottish people aren't drinking haggis juice, or kilt brine, you can bet your sweet ass they're downing an Irn Bru. It's a neon orange cola that tastes like bubble gum. It is also a chocolate bar. You can imagine how it tastes.
Honorable mentions: Ice cream, Ivory Mountain
Jelly Belly
These are like the Cadillac of candy. They come in 10,000 different flavours, and are actually used as currency in some countries. But I'm calling bullshit on these beans. I'm not a millionaire, $3pb (per bean) is too steep for candy, and I don't really have the time to sort through 10,000 different flavours trying to figure out which one I want to eat. Besides, who the hell wants to eat jelly beans with flavours like oatmeal, ear wax, celery, Cajun squirrel, poltergeist, paprika, defeat, or fat guy? Not this guy, that's for sure.
Honorable mentions: Jolly Rancher (RIP), Juicy Bugs candy
Kit Kat - Apple Vinegar
FUN FACT TIME!: I like Kit Kat bars (Unless I'm with four or more people.) but in other parts of the world (Asia), Kit Kat is available in many strange flavours. Such as: Apple, Apple Vinegar, Banana, Chestnut, Cinnamon, Cookie, Dark, Tiramisu, Green Tea, Kinako (I don't even know what that is.), Mango pudding, Orange, Plum soda, Potato, Ramune, Sports Drink, Strawberry, and Triple chocolate. I haven't tried most of these, so if you're in Asia, please mail some to me.
P.S. Really.
Honorable mentions: Kisses, Those Asian Koala cookie things
Lik-a-stik
It might actually be called Fun Dip, but whatever, you get the idea. It's the powder you eat with that wet candy stick. The one that always seems like such a great idea until you're two dips in, and you realise you've made a terrible mistake. The powder that never tastes as good as you think it will, but you can't throw it out. The one you made a big scene about to your friends already, and you'd look silly if you don't stick to your guns, finish it, and act like you enjoyed it. It's also the one that doesn't come in a resealable pack. Nor does this pack even come with a flat bottom, that would allow you to put it down without spilling it everywhere. No, this is the candy that just keeps on screwing you until the bitter end. I actually did a bit of research on this candy, and do you know what the ingredients are? Natural and Artificial Flavors, Emulsifiers (Soya Lecithin), Sorbitan Monosterate, Polysorbate-60, Salt, Artificial Colors, and Hatred. You've been warned.
Honorable mentions: Lion bar, licorice, Life Savers
Mars Bar
I only ever buy this chocolate bar when I mistake it for a Snickers. When I mistakenly eat it, I'll notice that the texture is far too soft and chewy, like there's something missing. What's missing you might ask? Nuts. There's no peanuts, almonds OR hazelnuts in the entire bar, and Mars is somehow proud of this fact. Their commercials boldly state that their bars are peanut free! What? That's like advertising a car that doesn't have wheels (Nor can it hover). This chocolate bar is all filler and no killer. (Unless deep fried, but what isn't?)
Honorable mentions: M&Ms, Max 5, Marshmallow Bananas, Mr. Big
Nerds
Nerds are to candy what donut holes are to donuts: The residue or mistake. (Or the retarded cousin.)
Honorable mentions: Nut Milk, Now and Later
Overload
Allow me to explain: Overload is exactly like Reese's cups. Except for one difference: One cup has a chocolate chip cookie on top, one M&Ms, and the last an Oreo. This is basically the heroin of candy. You start off okay, but soon the sugar rush isn't enough for you. You start to double the amount of cookies on top, then triple, then quadruple. Before you know it, you've sold all of your possessions to pay for more and more cookies to put on top of your peanut butter cups, but all it does it get you to "normal". This candy has killed more rock stars than all the others combined.
Honorable mentions: Oreo, Ouch! gum, Oh Henry
Pringles
"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they said, 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
Honorable mentions: Pop Rocks, Pancakes, Pez, Pixy Stix, Pocky
Q- Quax, Qun, Quark. I don't know. Those aren't real.
Reese's
“I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.”
Honorable Mentions: Rocky Road bar, Rolo
Swedish Berries
Someone once told me that the red colour of Swedish Berries was due to the rabbits blood they used as an ingredient. Upon investigation, I've found it to be untrue. (Unless rabbits have concentrated pear juice running through their veins.) Upon further investigation, Swedish Berries are unheard of in Sweden. Diabolical.
Honorable mentions: Snickers, Skittles, Salt Water Taffy, Smarties, Sweet Marie bar
Tootsie Roll Pop
I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the centre of one, but I can tell you it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper.
Honorable mentions: Tootsie Roll, Toblerone, Twix, Turtles, Turkish Delight
U
Nothing starts with a U. Here's a fish skeleton and a marshmallow instead. >-)))*> ()_)
Violet Crumble
This is the knock-off version of the Crunchie bar. It claims to have a honeycomb centre, but it looks nothing like a honeycomb and tastes nothing like honey. Why is it called 'Violet Crumble'? There is nothing remotely purple about it at all. I don't know about this bar. Someone out there has to be buying it. Maybe it's hipsters, being ironic.
Honorable mentions: Vimto
Whatchamacallit
Caramel, Peanut Flavoured Crisps, and Milk Chocolate is great and everything, but why wouldn't they just use peanuts? Even peanut butter would have worked. Don't you need peanuts to make things taste like peanuts anyway? Why go through all that extra work? This bar is far too confusing to eat. Pass.
Honorable mentions: Wine Gums, Whirly Pop, Whoppers, Wunderbar, Wonka Bar
Xploder
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was awful. It had nothing on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory with Gene Wilder. What's with Johnny Depp? Why does he keep doing rolls in Tim Burton movies? Is Tim Burton his brother in law or some bullshit? And he feels obligated to? I like Johnny Depp, but sometimes he takes on horrible roles. As for Tim Burton, someone needs to cut him off. He hasn't made a decent movie in over a decade. Sweeney Todd?! What the hell was that?! Anyway, what am I talking about here?...ah yes, the Xploder is by Wonka. It's chocolate with pop rocks in it. Pretty sweet.
Honorable mentions: Xylophones
Yorkie
Corpse Bride, Planet of the Apes, Mars Attacks!, even Beetlejuice is pretty awful if you go back and watch it now, and what was with that ending? Where the girl floats up and reggae music starts playing? Did he run out of money? Or did he just not have an ending written down?
Honorable mentions: Yohgurt Dots, York Peppermint Pattie
Zours
Zours are basically sour Mike & Ike candies, and they're quite deletable. My only beef with them is that the "Raspberry" flavoured ones are blue. I have never seen a blue raspberry in my entire life, and lord knows I've been looking.
-Eric pause ¶ 2:30 PM
