After the influx of replies to my last advice post, I felt it prudent to to pick the best of the litter for the next one. Here's one from Tommy in Thorold:
"hey Kyle, I know that this comes easily for you guys, but I was wondering what I should do to become more popular with the ladies? Are there any sweet skills I should pick up, like fire breathing or sword swallowing? Should I wear tighter pants(they can already see my shaft, but they have to use imagination for the veins)? I just don't get what I'm doing wrong"
Well Tom, fire-breathing would be a really good start, but I think you might attract the wrong kind of attention with the sword swallowing (not that there's anything wrong with that). I think your best bet is to pick up every skill you can possibly find, leaky faucet? you've got it, her dog pees on the rug? not after you spend a day with it. She can't find the original cassette single of Step by Step? you're best friends with Donny Wahlberg and you'll record a new copy. You know, just little stuff. As for the jeans, I think you're dead on, it's a scientific fact that girls have terrible imaginations, you don't want them picturing unicorns and rainbows all over that shining rod of glory do you? (I don't know, maybe you do...actually I think I do). And because I'm all about the shameless plugs, I thoroughly recommend a good repertoire of Pause apparel. I wear it all the time, and sometimes girls look at me( but I don't look back, I play that shit aloof, like Dylan from 90210). also, reference 90210 as often as possible, until the new show comes out, then act like you're all above that shit. And try to know as much about everything as you can, if you can make them seem dumb all the time, maybe you can convince them that they'd be stupid not to date you(did you know that nikola tesla invented a death ray capable of shooting down aircraft at 300 miles? well neither did she and now you're in) ? And the number one thing that I find helps me is buying them really random gifts that make no sense at all, but trying to convince them that it's because you know how much they love ______ . ("I know that salmon is your favourite animal, so I had one stuffed by my grandma, she has alzheimer's so she made it in the shape of a barn, but she put a lot of love into it") your blundering will be so cute, she's bound to love you.
you're welcome,
Kyle ¶ 6:53 PM
